So I wanted to write a deep lj entry and redo my myspace.  I decided to start here because I have a lot to say.  I am quite pensive and with not many people to distract me, it seems perfect.  I love late night rants.

First of all I don't want to say I told you so or any of that nonsense.  I just wish people would listen to me when I speak.  When I say that I don't like someone, it's for a reason.  When I get a bad feeling about someone or when I say I can see what is going to happen next, I mean it.  Everyone has to make their own mistakes and that's perfectly fine.  I just wish people wouldn't assume that I'm jealous or being stupid.  I'm all for giving people chances, even those that don't really deserve it.  I just have the luxury of not getting attached to people that aren't worth it.  Sorry to say if I get that bad vibe from you from the start, you're gonna have to earn my trust.  Unfortunately I am almost never wrong about this sort of thing.  I am on the brink right now where one person can prove me wrong and I am hoping I am proven wrong.  i never want people to fail at this sort of thing, I have no problem being wrong if it means I am going to make a new friend and it means someone is worth my trust.

You are one of my oldest friends, one of the most treasured people in my heart.  I start off with you because our conversation today really made me think and made me extremely sad.  While I appreciate it that you came to me out of the blue telling me how much you appreciate me still being your friend as most everyone else has left your side, I found myself so sad that I wasn't able to say that same back to you.  While I am always there to listen and help, it seems as if you're only there when it's convenient for you.  While I accept the fact that you are distancing yourself from a select individuals and also getting closer to other individuals, and that results in seeing me less, I am sorry to inform  you that I am not content with just seeing you whenever I happen to be with your brother and we need to pick you up from school.  It also deeply bothers me how whenever I come to you with my problems you listen for about 30 seconds before disappearing on me.  This seems to be a cycle with you and I just don't know what to say to you anymore.  I feel like I have lost my best friend because quite frankly, I have.  I hate to say that you're right when you say we would not be able to stay friends if I moved away.  If we can't even keep it together now that we're 5 minutes apart, it seems we would definitely not be able to if we were even farther than that.  I feel like you take me for granted just because you know I will always be around.  I'm sorry to tell you that I might not always be around.  Friendships like any other relationship require work and effort and it seems I am the only one doing any of that lately.  I don't lay all the blame on you as circumstances have come and gone that have created bumps in the road but we were always able to overcome them, and now it seems you just turn away without even the slightest try.  The point I am trying to make is quite simply that I have felt more alone than ever lately and the one person that has always been there to help me has been nowhere to be found.  I guess that's how you know you're truly alone, when even your most trusted friend is nowhere in sight.  I will always care for you but it just seems we might be very close to the end of the line.

You have been without a doubt one of the most important people in my life these past few months.  When I think about how much you've been there for me to let me complain my life away and just to do something to put a smile on my face, it makes me utterly ashamed of myself that I have not done the same for you as much as I should have.  It seems that by trying to shield you from heartbreak, all I really ended up doing was contributing to it.  I had only the best intentions, but of course intentions don't mean much in this world unless they succeed in something.  While I was trying my best to keep a safe distance, because as much as I was trying to protect you I was also trying to protect myself, it seems I kept you just close enough for you to sneak into my heart.  I don't really have much to say to you here because you're always there to listen whenever I do have anything to say.  I know you have a lot on your mind and I am not here to cause you more stress or pressure you into doing anything.  On the contrary I will give you as much time as you want because you've done the same for me and you deserve it more than anyone else would.  Just know that I am always here for you, always here to make your days brighter and listen to you when you need to talk or yell or cry or anything.  I may not have always been what you deserve but I am trying my best now and I promise to be better.  It's going to be one of the worst days of my life when you go away, even though you tell me it is most likely going to happen, I think we both know our days together are limited.  However I will find some sort of plan to keep you around or follow you or something.  As I sit here typing this and listening to you breathe, I just want you to know that this is how I wish to spend all my nights because listening to you breathe and falling asleep with you is the most I could ever ask for.

^^^^^^Ignore that people, i'm stupid.  kill me now.

It pains me to see how blind you are.  You are on the brink of throwing away everything for nothing.  I hate it when people take stupid chances when everyone around them can see just how stupid it is.  Again everyone is entitled to make their mistakes but it never ceases to amaze me how someone can hurt someone that so genuinely cares for them just to replace them by someone who just uses them or has bad intentions.  Maybe this affects me more personally because I have been a victim of this a time or two along my short life.  At certain points in life you learn to appreciate certain things more fully and it just disgusts you to see others not appreciating what they have or others running away from what you wish you had the opportunity to have.  It's a rule of life that you are going to hurt good people and you are give the bad people way too many chances.

before my outdoor adventure^
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after my adventure v
As much as I may hate what happened tonight, it was probably for the best.  Thank you for reminding me why I don't trust people and why I especially never give anyone my heart.  Nobody can take care of it and it seems it might as well be a rag that is tossed around with little to no value.  Don't ask me why I said a rag, it's 4 in the morning and I can't think straight.  I'm not sure if it's so much as I choose the wrong people or if I have bad luck, but either way I think it's best I just don't fall for anyone again.  If this is all that awaits me when I put faith in someone else then what's the point?  Yes I am pretty sure that the only person I can count on to not hurt me would be me, however I can't even count on that so I guess I really am alone and in for a life of pain and solitude.  But that's okay, I've been alone my whole life and I've gotten quite used to it.  So if I am doomed to a life of pain and loneliness then so be it, there are much worse fates out there.  And when you say maybe one day we'll find each other again, it's a nice concept, but one I think we both know is quite out of the realm of possibility.

Trust is a funny thing.  It takes so much work to earn someone's trust and virtually nothing to lose it all.  It doesn't seem fair that a life of good deeds and hard work can be tarnished by one mistake or a moment of weakness.  And sometimes trust is lost on literally nothing.  When as of late I have been trying to be nothing but honest and trying to help everyone around me, and when I have tried to be the best person I can be, it seems I am not worth some trust.  Even after being completely honest with someone the whole way through, it seems I am not to be trusted.  Now I am not sure if this is some sort of result of a bad reputation or perhaps just a vibe I give off, but if I can't be trusted, then why should I trust?  The answer quite simply is that I should not.  What is the point in being honest and not breaking someone's trust if they aren't going to trust you anyways?  Again there is no point, so you might as well just do whatever you please.

I am not going to write a big dramatic entry to make you feel guilty about your choice because it's about the hundreth time you've made it.  In the past 2 weeks or so you have picked him multiple times when you have picked me none.  The only time I get close was when you told him you didn't want to be with him, but that still didn't mean you wanted to be with me.  And you made it painfully clear tonight that even if you're not with him, it still doesn't mean you're going to be with me.  So be it.  You have all the comfort in the world now and that's all you ever wanted, a little security no?  You're afraid to live while I'm afraid to survive.  Yes there is a difference there.  So you have your boy that you feel will never hurt you, that although you said you're not crazy about him or anything and he's just there, will make you feel safe.  So instead of the boy that you are crazy about and challenges you and makes you better, you choose the boy that you have no future with.  So be it.  You have a friend in me always, but I refuse to make a fool of myself or continue torturing myself.  So again you have a friend in me always, but I am done using all my energy to try to make you happy.  I am actually quite drained and don't feel I have much left in me.  So thank you for the memories, they will not be soon forgotten.

However nothing is written in stone.  You could change your mind in the morning and decide you want me again.  It is not very likely but it could very well happen.  Even after making your decision you continue to tell me that you need to think.  Think all you want while my heart slowly breaks more and more, take all the time you need.  However it seems all my efforts seem futile.  What it takes me weeks to show you and persuade you, it seems he can talk you into in just a few minutes.  I may have a way with words but it seems it's just not quite enough.  That's fine, I shouldn't have to convince someone to be with me, they should just want to be.  I'm sorry but a guy that will sing you to sleep, show up at your window unexpectedly, draw you cute things, and always be there for you seems like someone that is quite the keeper.  But I probably overestimate myself, there must be a reason that all girls end it with me at one point or another, I am most likely not the keeper kind.  According to most girls I've spoken to I am just someone to have fun with for a little while but I am not relationship material.  Fine.  As long as I know where I stand then it's okay.

I love you, I really do.  Am I in love with you?  No I do not believe so.  Was it a possibility for the future?  Oh yes it was a definite possibility.  But I can at least take comfort in knowing that I tried my hardest, that I did everything I could have possibly done... even though you told me there was nothing I could do.  So one day when you look to your right, and all you see is a really good friend and someone that keeps you safe instead of your soulmate, I hope you're happy with the choice you made.  I will keep searching for that possible soulmate and hope I have not passed her by on the street without a second glance.  I know we were brought to each other for a particular reason and although I am not quite sure what that reason is yet, I'm sure it will all fall into place soon enough.  But for now I do not care to find another girl as you are the one I want and so I will just wait until I am over you and then I will let the new girl come to me. 

I can at least be thankful that I have a best friend that will go out with me at 3 in the morning to eat.  Someone that I can vent all my problems with and is always there to listen.  It is kind of ironic how I was telling him one second about how crazy I am about you and how happy I was with how things were going and the next you have to go and do that.  But that's life and I'm used to looking like an idiot.  Like everyone else has told me, if you're smart you'll pick me.  If you're worth it you'll pick me.  Your window is not closed though so only time will tell what will happen next. 

I found it to be some sort of fate that we found each other.  Some sort of destiny that we meant what we did to each other.  But I can't refuse the sign when your post it flies out around my car as if saying Andria does not love Eddie anymore.  All the other post its and cute notes you've left around my car are still there.  However it feels as if those will soon be flying off too.

I was having a conversation earlier with a friend about how recently my suicidal tendencies have come back.  And no I do not mean I want to kill myself over a girl because that would be plain stupid.  And I am not even stating that I want to kill myself at all.  I have more problems in this world than a girl and there are far better solutions than to kill myself.  It just seems sometimes when I am in a life and death situation that I am hoping the coin flips the other way.  Tonight as I am driving home at 5am without a car in the world for the few short minutes on my way home, a car runs a red light and almost smashes into me.  This would shake most people but unfortunately this is a most common occurrence with me.  Yes cars are always running lights and signs and swerving and I have a near death experience on almost a daily basis.  Sometimes, like tonight, I just wish I would get hit, and not even to die, just to have a mini vacation.  A few nights being taken care of and having people come visit me and making me feel wanted and appreciated, that doesn't sound all that bad.

I can't believe that I let a deeply introspective entry turn into a rant about a girl I have only known a few short months.  I can't believe I give you so much attention.  This is the last entry I write about you.  So thank you for that last falling asleep together today (even though it made me go over my minutes).  Thank you for that last kiss yesterday.  Thank you for our last few adventures this week and our nice talks.  Thank you for making me feel loved one last time.  You say things won't change but I know they will.  You can talk to me whenever you want, I'll be around, you know where to find me.

Tomorrow I will disconnect from the world.  I will try at least.  I am not very good at this because I start to miss the world after a while.  I get lonely, it's natural.  But I will try.  I will not be sleeping tonight and that is fine by me because sleep has proven to be the death of me.  So goodnight world, and I hope you're doing a lot better than I am at this point.

I started this at 11pm and ended at 6am.  A few distractions here and there but I finally finished.  Oh well.  Bye.

p.s. Unless some unforseen event stops me, this is the last entry I will be posting here.  I'm not sure whether I will be creating a new journal or just stop posting all together, but whatever it may be, goodbye introspective eddie.

"It's not so much about the person you used to be, as much as it's about the person you're trying to be."
I know who I've been and I know who I'm trying to be.  It's up to you to trust me.

Your life may be overrun with relationship concerns today as people enter your life with dramatic stories. Whether it's a lover or just a casual friend, it may feel as if someone is limiting your expression. Freedom may be extremely critical now, because if you don't take time to refresh your own being, then you won't have much left over to give to others.

hmmm i love horoscopes ^^^
sort of >.<

-I've been listening to Brand New and The Spill Canvas all weekend.
-Oh that sounds healthy.
-Mhhhmmm  >.<

Not getting out of bed, being sick all the time, horrible anxiety, and yes even nosebleeds.  I enjoyed my weekend, what about you?  :)

At least i fixed my brakes today.  That's at least one productive thing I've done lately. 

You know how to make me happy.  :::sigh::

Am I correct to defend the fist that holds this pen?
It's ink that lies,
the pen, the page, the paper.
I live, I learn.
You will always take what I have earned.
And so aid my end while I believe I'm winning.

Our friends speak out in our defense.
Pay ten deaf ears for two months rent.
We burn their gallows they erect,
and cut the nooses they tie for our necks.

"If I was her I'd be happy that you're finally coming to your senses"

Yeah so would I );

I can't stop listening to The Spill Canvas.
That's never a good sign.

I'm not making the same mistake twice.
I've learned my lesson.

I know I don't make life easier.
That's not my purpose.

I hope you know I mean everything I say.
And I say everything I mean.

I had all this deep stuff I've been thinking about over the past few days.
But right now it all seems to escape me.

Oh and in case you haven't gotten the point yet.
YOU

I've been having many visions of my death lately.
I am starting to get a tad worried.

Last night I had a dream.
Well more like a series of dreams as always.
I have never learned so much while sleeping.
Andria, Robert, Natasha, and others helped me in my dreams.
I just wish I could remember the exact quote I heard.
Oh well....

Doesn't it suck when you're about to get everything you want?
And then either you realize you don't want it anymore.
Or you just give up on it without realizing what you just gave up.
Or you just screw it up, that's the worst.
Makes you think how much you really wanted it in the first place.

My dream helped me realize who I am.
I was not pleased at all.
You're a better person than I am.

Even though it really wasn't you, I'm still mad at you.
I always get mad at people when they do things in my dreams.

Ok I am done, I just wanted to write a not so angry entry to negate my last three.
I am going to fix my brakes now.
Pick up a package or two.
And stay in bed watching tv, listening to music, and playing animal crossing.

I hope you all have a nice day.
I'm sure it will be better than mine.

I really wish we had finished that talk last week.
I was just too scared to bring it up again.
I don't make things happen, they just do.

I wish you had talked to me tonight.
You might have liked what I said.
I guess there's always another time.

I'm really really sorry to you.
I fucked up and I'm sorry.
UGH  );

I'm looking at apartments in Vermont.
No good reason to stay here any longer.
Goodbye Miami, I'm leaving soon.

I don't even want to write anymore.
G'nite.

"i've been hoping you can stay with me, and i could hold you close 'til the end of time, yeah.
maybe someday we will grab some change and run away, but for now i'll learn to say goodbye."



p.s. never get involved with someone who's already in love.

yay for lists
find me a girl that...

01. is pretty, someone i can show off please  (:
02. understands me, i am a very complex and confusing person.  i need a girl that understands that sometimes when your hand itches you have to scratch your foot.
03. has all the time in the world for me.  i need someone i can see for extended periods of time 4-6 days a week, and more than that i want a girl that even when she can't be with me, she's dying to see me again<3 (must have)
04. helps me be a better person.  i want to be a better person and the last thing i need is a bad influence.  (must have)
05. adores me because i need a lot of attention.  this goes with number 3. 
06. i won't get bored of.  i get bored of girls quickly and easily, it's horrible but it's true.  i'm sorry if i'm not easily entertained.
07. is just as crazy and as much of a free spirit as i am.  fuck rules and consequences, i need a risk taker  (: (must have)
08. needs me without pushing it?  like someone i can talk to all day but when we aren't talking won't harass me.  obsessed without being clingy sorta rofl.
09. OMG i can't believe i forgot this until this late in the list.  likes my music, will go to shows with me, will jump in the pit and kill someone, will introduce me to new bands, will love everything i send her !
10. is a weirdo.  i like someone who is strange and odd.  someone as weird as me if that's possible please.
11. will talk to me.  i think communication is the most important part of a relationship.  i want your trust and honesty.  please and thank you  :3 (must have)
12. won't break my heart.  this one is very important.  the end.

i had like a million things and it took my a while to shorten it up.  i didn't want to seem too picky  >.<
and then of course 12 is my favorite number so i thought that'd be a good way to leave it.
and i put must have next to the four most important ones :3

so andria wanted me to tell everyone that we had sex today.
weird girl right?  O_o

oh man i'm sad
too much pressure
i want to throw up
i feel so bad
fuck my life
i liked it better when i didn't have a conscience
i liked it better when i wasn't an idiot  );
ughaklsdfjalksdf :'(

off to go drown or something
goodnight  (;

So let me drown so I can breathe again
I’m through choking and suffocating
On alter egos and alter motives
Which weigh you down and take control of
The way you are and the things that you need
The life you live and the dreams that you dream
Distort and blur all in slow motion
They broke you down and now your broken

And it’s sadder than the saddest movie
I ever saw but without the beauty
So I stopped watching, I stopped caring
I've lost all interest and I stopped wearing
These plastic smiles, I’ve washed my hands clean
Forget that you forgot about me

And I’m living life, the big city feeling
It’s better than suburban dreaming
Living off the friends that hate you
Talk shit on me like I don't know who
My real friends are anymore, no,
I dont know you anymore
And it’s sadder than the saddest movie
I ever saw, but without the beauty
So I stopped watching, I stopped caring

leap of faith my ass  >_<

fuck it no list
D: